One more serious something.

I can't read my last post without tearing up a little...or alot. I'm in America. America is my home. Home is great. Home is different. Home is new and home is the same. But, there is still a part of me that aches for the people that made up my loved ones in Turkey, and i'm learning that i hope that ache doesn't go away any time too soon.

Learning to balance two worlds has been a major transition for me. Embracing life here and still wanting to show love to my girls in Turkey is a balancing act I'm working on mastering. I'm a bit unsure of where I fit in here, but this week for the first time, I got some closure and a taste of community to come in an unlikely place. I don't know what the future holds for me in Jackson...what ministry I'll plug into, which friendships will be just the same and which ones will be different, what my routine will be, or what my life is going to look like in a month, much less a week. But, I have a job. I have a car. I have a place to live. I ate Thanksgiving dinner with my family in person, and life is good. He's good. He's faithful here just like He was there and like He was here before I left. Just a little update. Life is good. This post is a little abstract, but I'm not quite at the place where my feelings fit into a complete thought yet. When I've had a bit more time to process, I'll let you know. For now I know the journey and the blog are soon coming to an end. I'm glad you hung around for the ride. I'll try and let you in on a few more funny stories since I've been back before I totally close the blogging chapter, but for now... I'm home and it's this weird, wonderful, scary, hard, but fabulous transition place that I didn't expect to be in upon coming back to a place called home...but here I am.

Goodbye Turkey.

(below is my 'I don't like goodbyes face')
Today is my last day in Turkey. It's hard to believe. He has given me a love for this place and these people that I never would have imagined could be as strong as it is. I guess that He just gave me His love for these people. In spite of how excited I am to be coming home, I have mourned for leaving this place. It has been like a death of something in me, but I choose to think that it is hard to leave here because actually, He birthed something new in me here.

Last night, I said goodbye to my sweet American friend that I've partnered with in leading our girls' Bible study for our Turkish sisters. We have loved side by side and we have laughed as we learned to pray and share and praise in Turkish, and mean it. It was so hard to leave her, yet I'm so incredibly grateful for her fellowship and I am privileged to have served alongside her here...and selfishly I am glad that after I am gone, she and her incredible heart will remain. He's just been so good to me throughout this time of goodbyes. Yes, I have wept and I have been stressed and I have been exhausted, but He's been here beside me every step of the way. Him and His peace. Last night a new girl that has been studying the Word and claims to want to follow His Son came to our study. It was a special time of goodbye and I didn't know her, but that didn't make it awkward at all. Instead, I thought, what a special gift for Him to give me when saying goodbye to these sisters that I have walked alongside on their faith journey for over a year now. He let me see the promise of more to come through her. And I wouldn't want to leave any other way.

The hardest goodbyes to come will be tomorrow morning when my three closest Turkish friends and two American friends will drop me off at the airport. I praise Him for the time I have spent with those girls. I praise Him for calling them out of darkness into His marvelous light and I'm in awe that He let me see it and get to be a part of it in a small way. My God is so good. But one of those friends does not yet believe and that breaks my heart. But, I know that He's not done here. It is His work and when I leave, He will continue to bring it to fulfillment. I pray that includes my sweet friend that I have so desperately shared with and prayed for. My season is coming to an end in this city, but I leave joyfully knowing that these friends will continue to be a part of the next season of my life wherever it takes me to, and I will continue to give her over to Him and wait expectantly for her eyes to be opened.
My sweet Turkey, you have been so good to me and I will miss you. Goodbye for now.

Something still grateful

Today was my last day at church. I have four days left in Turkey. Four precious days to fill with love and goodbyes. I honestly don't know how to say goodbye to this place. I reached my emotional quota sometime last week and this week I'm just, well make sure there's tissue around. I'm so excited to be going home, really, I am. But, for this moment, I'm here and in the right now, goodbyes are hard. I was remembering today about a year and a half ago when I shared with you a familiar scene to me today. I watched our fellowship say goodbye to a family that had served in our city for eight years. I remember standing on the outskirts of a circle of people surrounding them, praying, saying goodbye and sending them off with such tears of joy to have been able to be a part of their lives and such sadness to see them go. I did not live here for eight years. My season lasted almost two years, but today I stood in the middle of a very familiar circle of friends that were some Turks and some not, and was overwhelmed with the love that He has blessed me with in this place. I never imagined a year ago the blessings that He would fill my life with during my time in Turkey. Today I cried and everyone in my circle cried. There was just no other way to leave. Turkey and these people have meant too much in my life to leave any other way. We have impacted each other too much to leave without a few tears. I told you that the man told a story about when asked whether he felt sad or happy to be leaving Turkey, his answer was that he was grateful. Today, amidst many tears and hard goodbyes, I am grateful. I told you last year that his answer would be mine and it was and it is. I'm still grateful. I am so grateful for the season He enabled me to live and love in Turkey. I'm grateful for what those tears represented today. I'm grateful that He loved through me and that He loved me through them. My time, I realize pales in comparison to eight years, but it was the time He entrusted to me here and I will be forever grateful for it.

Something busy

Okay. So, I will not hold it against any of you blog readers (...if I still have any at this point other than my family) for not wanting the cats. We may have found a home, so thank goodness! I have been such a poor blogger lately. My Mediterranean life has become a very busy one as it comes to an end! My precious laid-back, short notice planning, show up late, beloved Turks have succumbed to being penciled into my planner in advance. I can't help it! It's gotten so busy. Just about everyone I've ever met in Turkey has wanted to have me over or eat a meal or drink tea or just see me--which is wonderful, but busy! I'm not complaining, I'm taking tons of sweet mental pictures to last me and lots of real ones.

Yesterday I had plans to go eat, what I thought would be dinner, at my D.V.D. friend's house. I was going to go over there at 3 or 4. So I thought...okay, we'll eat dinner about 5 or so. I didn't feel bad when one of my best friends called and asked me to come to her work and eat lunch with her and her co-workers. They're so sweet and I wanted to see them again. So, I just couldn't tell her no. I tell her yes, of course even though this means I am only going to be able to stay an hour and a half and that still only leaves me a half hour on the bus to high tail it across town--which unless the bus driver has had his complete quota of tea for the day usually doesn't happen. So, I go to eat lunch and of course, it's a good one. The oily Turkish kind, but delicious. We eat and then we chat and then they want to drink tea. And then they give me gifts! I don't even know my friends co-workers well enough to merit goodbye gifts! So sweet. Then, just about the time I'm already a little late to run across town, they want to go out and buy a cake and eat cake! I apologetically tell them that I have got to go, which I feel incredibly rude doing (but what do you do! It makes no sense to Turks to have back to back plans with 3 people in one day, but I'm a busy going to America in a week kind of girl...and I don't want to tell anyone no!), but I have to leave. So, while I'm on the bus my other friend calls and tells me she hopes I won't be late (I will). Apparently, I was not keeping just her waiting...

I get to her house. She has been inviting me to her house for 2 years, but in all actuality, she has been saying she is going to invite me to her house for 2 years and now in my last week, it happens. But, not only are her parents there. Her aunt has come to see me. The neighbor across the hall has come to see me. The neighbor's son has come to peek his head in to see me and tell me that he wishes I wasn't leaving and if I weren't, could we get to know each other better (thank goodness I am leaving on that note). Then the uncles came by. Then the aunt's husband came by. Mercy. All to see the foreigner before she leaves. I'm like a booth at the fair. Maybe I should have charged per person! Anyways, I was wrong. Apparently, we were going to eat at 3:00. I'm not sure if this was lunch or dinner, but I began to literally pray that the Lord would make room in my stomach for this food. Immediately when I asked for less than a normal portion--which I can't finish on a good day--I got comments of, you don't think you're going to like it? Of course I'm going to love it, I tell them. Because even if I hate it, I'm going to shovel it in with the biggest smile on my face I can muster!

In Turkish, if you don't eat the server's desired amount for you to eat, then automatically you have not liked the dish. This leads to eating alot to be courteous. I have a drink at least 2 glasses of tea rule out of politeness. This has led to me putting on a few pounds which led to me working out all summer and not drinking caffeinated beverages to try to lose some kilos. Now, it's cold (according to them) and it's time to drink tea like it's going out of style again. In spite of my efforts which I thought had succeeded in losing a kilo or two, my friend's neighbor who came to see me who hasn't seen me since two Aprils ago at a wedding (remember the police escort--good times), told me I had filled out. I'm sorry, but this is one thing I'm just not sad to leave behind. Everyone quit watching my weight for me and telling me I've gained kilos!!! I dare you if you see me in America to tell me I've taken on kilos (which is absolutely normal conversation in Turkey). So, i might have given a few kilos this summer, but somehow according to everyone around me and partially because of them, I have taken them back on. But, I'm being polite and I'm not leaving any one of them to say I don't like their food!

Anyways, we ate. I miraculously finished my plate. We drank tea. We ate fruit. Fruit is usually the closer. It's usually the last thing you serve. So, being a bit tired after the long day and knowing my marathon wasn't over yet, but that I had stayed over 3 hours, I got up to leave. I hadn't stayed long enough. At this point though, I knew I was going home only to turn around and go to the neighbor's house and drink tea which was making for a very full day and stomach and I just had to excuse myself.

I did come home and go to the neighbor's house, who didn't understand why she had rung our doorbell every night that week only to discover we weren't home every night this week. I am telling you, I am exhausted. We're busy. So, by the end of the night, I was Turkish'ed out. Two years later, my Turkish is enough, but my brain was a bit sluggish, I'll sadly admit. Someone from home asked me the other day, if I was fluent and my answer was, 'honey, I've led a Bible study on Ephesians in Turkish'...if that's not fluent enough for my short season here, then I don't know if I can do much more! Seriously though, I could do so much better. I still become sad thinking about how much more I could have learned. But, for now no regrets. I have heard of a book that is popular in America by the name of Eat, Pray, Love. I am NOT recommending this book on here because I have not read it! Can't say what it's about, but I do love the title. When I heard it, I thought...well, that's exactly what I've done here. Were I to have written a book, I might could have named it that, but alas the title is taken. I have certainly lived and I have loved here...and if my schedule wears me out for the next seven days because these people are so desperately wanting me to leave knowing that I am loved, then so be it. I feel incredibly full...of food and love. My cup runneth over. I hope as I'm leaving that some of what's in my cup will run over into these people that I so dearly love.

Something of an opportunity...

I have an amazing opportunity for you today. Boy, should you be glad that you are viewing this blog entry presently. Maybe it was ordained. So, Melissa and I have decided to sponsor a foreign exchange program...for our cats. Okay, so don't stop reading. Please HELP us, if you can! We cannot find a home for our cats here in Turkey for the life of us. Turks don't love cats, they don't actually love pets. (Should we have thought about that ahead of time, you ask? Well, we got them as kittens and they were free...and life overseas can be a bit lonely sometimes, so they've been good company. But, now seeing as neither Melissa or I know exactly what life will hold for us in America...(and we don't actually have homes of our own lined up for some time after we get back to house them ourselves) we have the need to find a new home for our beloved girls. I have included this picture, actually because I can't find another. But as soon as Melissa gets home I will post another. This picture shows their personality better! We are willing to foot the bill to fly our furry friends to America, if someone would offer, desire, or know someone who might like to give these 2 sister cats a loving home. Come on, Americans love pets! They are 1.5 years old. They're both sister cats who have been fixed, had all their shots, are usually very polite, and could live as inside/outside cats. They have always lived in our apartment, but the streets of Turkey are a bit different than your backyard. We're looking for someone who might like to give a home to both of them because well, they are too much like people! They really have taken on little personalities and we're not sure if they'd make the big move and being separated. They're very sweet good natured cats who love attention and love to be loved on. We are kind of in a bind here as my departure is quickly approaching in 2 weeks. Melissa and I are looking into cargo fees and details. We will take all the burdens of details upon ourselves as we see it as our responsibility, if there is an interested party possibly in the market for new friends. If you know someone who might be interested, please let us know. You can comment on this blog and leave your phone number or email address and I'll be more than happy to call you back. Thanks for helping us out in any way you can!

Something of late

One month. I have a ticket. One month. People have started to say to me things like: let's make sure and do this before you leave ...and make sure to make good last 'scenes' to look back on and remember..., and when shall we have your goodbye party?... One month. I went to put on a pair of shoes the other day only to realize those shoes that one week ago were stored under my bed, are now in America. My team leader for the summer was gracious enough to take home 2 of my 4 1/2...possibly 5 suitcases with him on his way to his sister's wedding. One month.
Tonight, I went to a friend's house for my usual weekly time in the Book with my sweet sisters. We are studying basically a quick from Creation to the cross. Tonight we read about Noah and the Tower of Babel. i was able to not eloquently, but sufficiently share my thoughts and pray in this second language that I now have panic attacks of going to America and forgetting. Can you believe I used to have panic attacks about never being able to learn this crazy language. He is so good. I'm more than I ever have been aware of how incredibly hard--despite my sheer ecstasy--that it is going to be to leave this place. To say the goodbyes that I have already started preparing myself to say, even as I tear up while I type. No one understands why I'm returning home. Why wouldn't I just stay forever? Why wouldn't I? Because, all I know is that home is obedient for now. I don't know what He has for me there, but He's got something and, like a line from a song that I love says, 'whatever's in front of me, I choose to sing Hallelujah.' It may be a mixed tearful hallelujah that first plane-ride as nearly all of my friends have offered to come to the airport--which I think may be more than my puddle of emotions will be able to handle. But, I am blessed for the 2 years I have lived and loved in this place. I will never be the same because of having lived here and I will love God more for having brought me here and sustained me here.
I'm studying the Psalms of Ascent right now, 120-134, psalms of pilgrims on a journey and that is what I am...a pilgrim on a journey. Now, it's become a journey home, but I know that I have found my real 'home' while I was away from home. And I will until I see Him face to face continue to be a pilgrim on my way there, home.

So, a few snapshots of our time of late. Spending lots of time, just about every night with friends and making the most of last opportunities. We went to make food with our sweet friend last night and I always love cooking with this friend because she's just not the best cook and she's learning, too. I can relate to that. I love all the fun phrases that can always be heard while cooking here, things like...be your own architect (when shaping rolls), it should be the consistency of your ear lobe (when kneading dough, of course), and then being reminded when our friend pulls out the special cheese from Cyprus, that she is using the 'special things' because her 'special friends' have come. 'Special friends'. A phrase that is music to my ears and sweetness to my soul. That is one of the scenes I'm storing up for a rainy day...

Something your way

It's amazing how slow time can pass and how incredibly it can fly, at the same time. Another year. Another Ramadan here in Turkey. I took this picture very discreetly at the mall yesterday. That's right. At Burger King, you really can have it your way... Is that even their motto? I haven't watched television commercials in 2 years...(i'm a bit behind the times). If it's not their motto, it really should be! You can come to Turkey, observe Ramadan by fasting all day, and break fast at Burger King with their special holiday menu. It comes complete with a date (of the dried fruit variety)--which is one of the foods that they break fast with and then a special dessert. It's called the Sultan Menu. Does not look appealing to me at all, but isn't something in you just temped to order the 'Sultan Menu'? You even have to say it with a certain inflection in your voice. The 'Sultan Menu'. I passed up the 'Sultan Menu' for a just plain delicious Whopper Jr. +cheese. I don't know why, but Burger King is a haven for me here. It ranks right up there with Little Caesar's for a treat, but I'm banned from ordering Little Caesar's for awhile. Possibly until I leave...how sad is that. I really wasn't planning on it, but I guess I'll indulge you and tell you my crazy embarrassing story. The one which has henceforth unspokenly added me to the Little Caesar's blacklist. (Before I share my little story, let me share that when I come home, the first places that I will want to eat are NOT going to be Little Caesar's, Burger King, or who knows what my mother was thinking when she excitedly told me they had found a lamb kebab place near our house! Mercy. No, my first weeks back I will be substituting these nonetheless appreciated Turkey staples, for well, ...the good stuff.)

Ugh. Okay, so I'll share my Little Caesar's story. It was a sad moment for me and you have to put yourself in my shoes for the moment while you read and realize that while I realize that Little Caesar's food is not the most wonderful pizza in the world...it's not only a food group here, it's a symbol. It is a piece of home. It's one of 3 familiar restaurants that have made an effort to travel across the globe to greet me in my Turkish neighborhood. It's exactly the way it is in America. And it has helped shape my experience here. Okay, I'm exaggerating now, but I love it and it's nice to have something familiar and easy every now and then or sadly sometimes way too often. But, I digress.
We ordered pizza one night. We were leaving town the next day, didn't want leftovers. Love us some pizza. I ordered the usual 'Caesars Caesars' pizza. It comes with extra cheese, some beef but very delicious substitute pepperoni, black olives and pizza sauce. (This may seem like a minute detail to you, but most pizza here does not come with tomato sauce on it.) I have placed many an order through the phone to my beloved team manning the Little Caesar's phone. Usually no problems understanding. Not so that night. Apparently the operator thought incorrectly that Melissa had said 'Caesar's Caesar's Ekstra'. Well, we didn't realize this until the driver brought our pizzas and mine had some type of meat on it. Some type of chopped up marinated meat on it. Now, it might have been beef, but you just never know! I did not want this pizza. By now, my hopes had risen, I'd had a long week, and I was waiting on my Caesar's Caesar's goodness. (It's the little things in life). Open box. Utter disappointment. Melissa runs to the balcony to shout at the delivery man getting on his motor bike (I had ordered her to do this, very uncharacter-like for her). I am running down the stairs pizza in hand (4 flights mind you) to try in hopes of catching delivery man. He is very speedy and I miss him. He apparently has poor hearing and Melissa misses him also.

What to do? On another day, I might have eaten the pizza. I probably would have. Not that day though. In America the customer is always right. I am not in America, what am I thinking? I call back the pizza place and I inform them that my order was wrong. They disagree. We disagree for some moments, until I give in to my insane-ness and inform them...that yes I am a foreigner and I do have a strange accent, but it has never hindered my pizza ordering abilities before. I want a new pizza. Yes, I'd like the pizza I wanted. I'll give them back the pizza at my house that I don't want. Silence.
Do I want to pay cash or credit for this new pizza, operator man asks. I want to pay neither. I don't want to pay for it. It will be free, I insist. Long story, still a long story...I got the pizza that I wanted. It was free. I got a very dirty look from the delivery man who I wouldn't have blamed had he spit in my pizza that I devoured anyways. So, what has living overseas turned me into? Apparently a rude person. I hope not. It can take me up to an hour on the bus to get places that you could drive in 10 minutes. People misunderstand me and I misunderstand them on an almost daily basis. I feel helpless alot. I miss home alot. No one does things the way I would do them, alot. In spite of all this, I love living here. I normally pride myself on trying to fit in, going with the flow, being uber patient because living in another culture is never easy. But, pride does come before the fall So, I had a bad night. It cost me some pride and possibly Little Caesar's delivery until I leave. What had I become that I was willing to be crazy person over a pizza??? I am quite sure, it was a new and foreign experience for them. But, it was a good lesson. A good point to step back and check myself and re-evaluate the value I place on a pizza or what it represents: all things convenient and the way I think they should be. My purpose for being here is bigger than all those things combined to eternity.

So, for some reason, these last days, I find myself craving Chick-fil-a and Sonic and Outback...and etc. But, I am keeping on trying to let Him use the mundane things in my life like pizza delivery gone bad to refine me and give me perspective that leads to joy in this place. I'm spending time like crazy with neighbors and friends and soaking up all that He wants to teach me during the rest of my time here and trying to be moldable into a usable worthy vessel. Embarrassing pizza story, but I'm a work in progress. But, it turns out Burger King is not the only place in town where you can have it 'your way'!